Revisting 2016 Goals

At the beginning of this wretched year, I, in my naivete, set some goals for 2016. They weren’t necessarily resolutions, just things I wanted to get better at. Well, 2016 had other ideas. Let’s take a look, shall we?

My first goal was to finish school. In this, I succeeded. Not only did I finish school, I also passed my CPC exam and became a Certified Medical Coder. So, not so shabby so far.

Goal the second was to eat better and exercise more. I have just one note on this one: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah. That didn’t happen.

My third goal was to audition for Listen To Your Mother. In January, I auditioned and I allllllmost made the show but in the end did not. When I saw the show in May, it was clear why I wasn’t cast; my piece just didn’t fit the rest of the show.  But the ladies who WERE cast were AMAZING. 2017 will be the last year for Listen To Your Mother and I will be sad to see it go.

Goal #4: Get better are balancing my responsibilities. Well. Ain’t this one a bitch? I suppose you could say that I did accomplish this – it took divorce lawyers and separation but I certainly know where my responsibilities lay now. Looking back, I meant this goal to reflect my need to somehow organize myself better and prioritize my responsibilities better. What it turned out to mean was that I needed to reevaluate just exactly what my responsibilities are. It gets a lot easier to balance things when you start shoving undue burdens off your plate and refusing to accept more. Funny how that works.

Goal the fifth: Blog more. Oh hell, that didn’t happen at all. I think I blogged less than a dozen times all year. I had so much to say and so many terrible things to scream into the void of the internet. I wanted to do that. But the divorce meant that I couldn’t. I still can’t. If I had blogged like I wanted to, there would have been a new post up every other day. As it is, I have to hold those things in, as much as I don’t want to.

This year has been brutal in so many ways. From the loss of so many icons of my youth to the election of an admitted sexual predator as president. It wasn’t any better on the personal front; every time I thought I’d caught my breath, another blow landed.

I can’t wait to see the back of this terrible year. I have only a small nugget of hope that 2017 will be any better. But I still hope. Don’t let me down, 2017. Don’t let me down.

Bravery

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me
How big your brave is
–Sara Bareilles, “Brave”

 

I moved on Thursday last week and it’s been hitting me all weekend at random intervals: I did it. I got out. It’s done.

Then, this morning, I got in the car to go to work, the above quoted song came on, and I started to cry. There was a way out. I did let the light in.

I showed him how big my brave is. I showed myself how big my brave is.

It turns out that my brave is pretty goddamn big.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life – and I’ve gone through some pretty shitty times – but it has taught me more about who I really am and what I’m really capable of than anything else I’ve been through. Divorce is terrible and awful and demoralizing and ghastly.

Divorce is also empowering.

I never knew I had it in me. But, GODDAMN, look at the size of my brave.