A Long Time Coming

Things have been very quiet here on the blog for the last several months. It’s been a conscious choice on my part. There were things I wanted to write about but it just wasn’t the right time to share them. Events are finally pushing forward now and the time has come for me to be able to share them.

Scot and I are divorcing.

This has been building for many years and it has finally come to a head. We are broken. We cannot continue on this course; we cannot continue to be married. For the sake of our children, we must divorce.

I never thought I would have to say the words, “I want a divorce.” I never thought we would be a statistic. I never thought that we would be That Couple in our circle of friends that didn’t last. Everyone who knew us when we got married said we would be the kind of couple that would last.

And yet, here we are.

We still have a lot of details to work out. For the moment, we are still all living in the same house; a circumstance that is not very comfortable for anyone involved but it’s what it has to be at this point. We are working with the appropriate parties to figure out how to separate our lives after 15 years of them being entwined. We are trying to do this very difficult thing as peaceably as possible for the sake of the children we both love so much. I don’t know exactly what the future holds for the kids and I, but I know that it HAS to be better than where we are now.

I only hope that I can manage to walk this path with dignity and grace. I know there are times when I’m so angry it’s awfully hard to find any grace much less dignity. But I continue to pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other because I don’t know what else to do. I try to remind myself that the definition of grace is not that we never stumble and fall but that we get back up, we keep trying, we work to make each day a little better than the last. Breakdowns will come but I can’t let that mean that I give up.

A new life will rise from the disaster of this year and I can only hope that when I get there, it’s better than where I am now.

And so all of this is why I haven’t been blogging. There was too much to say and too much chance I’d say the wrong thing. I still won’t be sharing too much about the details of all this in this space (I’m sure you understand why) but I hope to not be such a stranger.