It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?
Life in my neck of the woods has been difficult and I’ve been trying to deal with it. It has made blogging impossible.
I know I talked about how bad 2012 was for us. It was terrible and I’d like to avoid repeating it, thank you. I was hoping for 2013 to start better and it hasn’t. Without saying too specifically, there’s been a lot of upheaval for Scot with regard to his depression, some of which made us look like the neighborhood side show.
And it broke me.
I was struggling before now. I had trouble getting through the summer with all the stress on my head and I had a lot of anxiety and weepy periods during that time. Fall seemed to be at least somewhat better and I thought I could handle things.
But with everything going on here since the start of the year, I became increasingly irritable and angry with the kids. I became withdrawn if at all possible. I didn’t want to deal with the kids needing anything from me and I was snippy and bitchy about any reasonable request. I just wanted everyone to LEAVE ME ALONE. I wanted to shut down and not function but because Scot was already occupying that role (for good reasons), I couldn’t and I hated it. It felt as though my life was nothing but a series of responsibilities I’d saddled myself with and it would never be anything more. No joy. No happiness. Just drudgery.
Scot finally convinced me to get help and I was SO TIRED of my life the idea of not feeling the way I felt made me feel desperate for a solution.
So I went to see someone and was diagnosed with depression. Is it innate? Is it circumstantial? It doesn’t matter. The causes don’t really make a difference to the treatment. I was put on Zoloft.
I’ve spent the last month getting adjusted to to it. I had to have the dosage increased but it seems like I’ve found the sweet spot now.
I am patient with my children – within reason. I find myself so much less irritable than I was before. I find joy in my children’s laughter instead of UGH ANNOYANCE at the noise. I am less anxious about everything – particularly the tattered shreds of our budget and how difficult money issues have become around here. I clean and I shower and I don’t eat the entire contents of my pantry.
So, I apologize for the absence but I was dealing with STUFF. Heavy stuff that made me feel terrible and completely uninterested in writing. I’m climbing out of that now and feeling better than I have in months.