I don’t know what it is about little kids but they can make more noise than a troop of howler monkeys. All day long Liam sounds like a herd of elephants as he traverses the house. He also likes to announce everything he does.
“Mommy! I have to potty!”
“Mommy! I pooped!” (My favorite. I have also been reliably informed that he announces this fact at daycare as well. *eye roll*)
“Mommy! Jamie’s trying to get my Star Wars toys!”
And on and on and on. Don’t even get me started on the fact that he can have a tantrum, be screaming his fool head off over nothing, and set Jamie to screaming in response. That’s a special brand of fun.
And then bedtime rolls around and he gets tucked in and well all breathe a sigh of relief.
But God help you if he has to get out of bed for anything and come find you. The kid is like a super triple black belt ninja. On more than one occasion I’ve been sitting quietly in the family room either watching TV or spending too much time on the internet when suddenly there is a little person RIGHT THERE next to me. I nearly jump out of my skin.
Once, I got up out of my chair to go use the bathroom and there he was. I almost didn’t have to use the bathroom after that.
It constantly amazes me how much noise he can create until darkness falls. Then he switches on his Ninja Senses and proceeds to scare the living daylights out of us!
1. “No, Jamie, you may not have the computer!”
2. “Thank you for urping on me, child, that’s just lovely.”
3. “Liam, just go to the bathroom!”
4. “Maggie you just came in!”
5. “Smarty pants!” (to Liam)
6. “Jamie, if you want to get to that, you’re going to have to learn how to pull up.”
7. “Stop screaming, roll over on your tummy and sit up, Jamie!”
8. “Mommy needs a nap.”
10.“Maggie, *what* is your problem?”
11. “I love you, kiddo.”
12.“I want a vacation.”
13.“Maggie! STOP LICKING THE CARPET!”
We’re TV addicts in this house and my kids watch a fair amount of TV. Liam likes to watch kiddie shows when he gets up in the morning and on days that he doesn’t have pre-school I generally let him watch about an hour and a half of programming. I will also let him watch one movie per day. Yes, it sounds like a lot but it doesn’t keep him from being so smart he scares me and it doesn’t seem to make him hyperactive so I don’t really have a problem with it. We try to watch Playhouse Disney, PBS Kids, or Noggin so we make an attempt for his TV watching to be educational.
Of course this means that I get tortured by children’s TV programming every. single. day. If you name the show, I have probably seen at least one episode of it. Except Yo Gabba Gabba. That shit scares me.
I’ve noticed lately that either the people that come up with kids TV are just oblivious or they are intentionally slipping in stuff to makes the parents go “oh hell, they did not just say that did they?”
A few examples:
- Handy Manny. Manny Garcia and his nine tools live in the town of Sheetrock Hills and they help out the townspeople great and small with their handyman type problems. Included in the cast of characters is Kelly, the owner of the local hardware store. If you watch the show enough you will see that Kelly always has *just* what Manny needs. The most esoteric part for your project? Yep, Kelly’s got it. And they shove it in your face, too! “Kelly, you always have what we need!” Yeah, she’s always got what Manny needs. In her pants.
- Special Agent Oso (Creepy): A turquoise and yellow panda bear (the fuck?) who in James Bond fashion helps little kids out with their problems. Well, James Bond minus the booze and broads. They even go so far as to parody Bond titles and sing Shirley Bassey-esque themes. This morning I was treated to an episode entitled “My Cousin’s Special Salad.” Ok, that’s not even subtle anymore! The dialogue even got as a far as “I better toss this salad fast!” and “Hey! You’re tossing the salad!” and “You used salad forks to toss the salad!” (um, ow?) I mean, that’s just blatant.
- Max and Ruby: Two bunny rabbits who seem to live back in the Little House age, have no parental supervision to speak of, and Ruby is a total busybody that Max has to find a way to circumvent every time. For each episode Max says one word over and over while the oblivious Ruby keeps not understanding his meaning. In one episode she tells Max “No, Max, no one gets in Grandma’s special box.” EXCUSE ME?!
- Franklin: This one is about a turtle named Franklin and all his forest friends – none of whom have real names, they just go by Bear, Possum, etc. There is a girl character by the name of Beaver (I know!) and she is aptly named because she is a total See You Next Tuesday. But, come on! You had to have a character named BEAVER?!
I can’t figure out if they’re trying to be like Looney Tunes which are funny to kids and even funnier to adults but honestly? They are totally missing the mark if that’s what they’re going for. Looney Tunes had style, it was double entendre of the highest order. This stuff? Pains me. It really does.
So, I usually spend the morning trying not to do a spit take with my coffee while the TV is on.
I’ve been grousing a lot lately about how hard having an infant is and how much I wish I could have a day off. Jamie’s been sick and teething so I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep and as the days drag on and I continue to get very little sleep I have more frequent thoughts of having a vacation.
I dream about going away for the weekend. Without the kids. Without the husband. Without the dog. Going somewhere ALONE and having no responsibility except to myself and my own desires. Sleep when I want and for as long as I want. Eating alone and without interruption. Reading a book. Watching adult TV.
I constantly wonder what I thought I was doing having another baby just when life was getting easier with Liam.
And then I walked into daycare this morning with Liam.
There was a sign posted on the door about a little girl who attends the daycare. She was 18 months old and she died of SIDS at her home on Friday. She was healthy in all ways. Now, those parents have lost their little girl with no warning.
I cannot imagine the pain they must be going through. I can’t imagine trying to go on with your life when there’s a hole in it where your kid used to be. Suddenly, my life really doesn’t seem that bad or that hard. I bet those parents would give anything to get up in the middle of the night with their little girl. I bet they’d give anything to be exasperated with her getting into something for the 87th time when she knows better.
So, even though I’m tired and cranky and on the edge of getting sick myself I’m happy right where I am.
I had to take Jamie to the doc this morning for his cold. Turns out the poor kid has his first ear infection (that would certainly explain the fact that he scratched his ear bloody).
Because he had a fever, they handed us a baby sized mask at the door.
Quite the fashion statement, no?
As if the baby product market wasn’t glutted enough with specialty gizmos and gadgets we now have this cleverly named product:
Yes, you read that correctly. Boogie Wipes. Scot came home with them from Walgreens because Jamie has a cold. I’m not against using them but I’m still trying to figure out how they’re better than plain old diaper wipes.
Here’s what the package says:
“Developed by Moms tired of chasing runny noses. Unique formula to dissolve mucous. Moisturizes with Vitamin E, Chamomile, & Aloe. Alcohol Free (I SHOULD HOPE!). Hypoallergenic. Gentle enough for all ages.”
Somehow I don’t think any Mom of a kid with a cold is going to be chasing that runny nose any less because they used a Boogie Wipe.
Clever advertising though – got us to buy it!
Here are the hand-carved fruits of our labors.
From left to right we have Flamey, Batsy, Bob, and that’s Bob Jr. sittin’ on top.